Whaddaya Say, Glen Ray?

Norman tech center association elects new president | WOPULAR

2009-11-23T15:26:00.000-06:00

Norman tech center association elects new president WOPULAR

It's Moving Day!!!

2009-03-31T22:19:00.005-05:00

Only after a gazillion blog posts do I get it, that commenting here is somewhat user-unfriendly. I have heard from the masses (OK, maybe 10 people) that you want a simpler way to add your input. Your wish is my command...

I've moved my blog to a new site, and it's very easy to leave comments there. (I don't know if it can get any simpler, unless Scotty beams up your comments.) Please click the link and mark the address of my new blog site in your favorites: Whaddaya Say, Glen Ray? All the old posts are there, and that's where you'll find the latest entries.

OK — do it RIGHT NOW before you forget!

PS: There's a special message waiting for you there...

Wrestling, Wrassling and Wringing-Wet Finishes

2009-03-22T13:24:00.004-05:00

As a proud fan since US Grant High School of high school wrestling, I once again got to go to the Big Show, the Grand Grapple, the Tangle Tourney of Takedowns in the Okie state. If you’ve never been, it’s quite the extravaganza!

The four classes (6A, 5A, 4A and 3A) are all going on at the same time on the four-mat floor of the State Fair arena. The burden is on YOU to multi-task, watch four matches going on simultaneously on the four mats.

No blaring hard rock music, no big screens with videos, no fireworks – just announcements going constantly with introductions (break – gone to get nachos) and stories about the individual wrestlers. The crowd is made up of Catoosaites, Maroons from Perry, Noble fans, Altus rooters and Bixby backers.

The tenacity, focus and desire of these state champions is amazing. Some of these guys are one-, two- and three-time winners. (Break – gone to get a foot-long polish sausage and coke.) They train, pull weight, run, work on technique and wrestle all the time. By doing this by weight, they wrestle the same people in matches, tourneys, and the state finale.

Wrestlers grow to respect each other, and even become roommates. No wild costumes, no crazy names, no heavy metal rock theme songs, and no hitting or slamming chairs. (Break – got to get some Dippin’ Dots, the “Ice Cream of the Future” – for 30 years now.)

Wrestling teaches self-discipline and goal setting, and results in a college scholarship for some. It’s a unique sport that is an individual sport and a team sport to score points. It may be even the launching pad for a future Olympic champion – they’re the last group of American Gladiators without being on a film-edited reality television show. If you get the chance next year, take it in, but watch out for flying chairs!

I hope you get to go with a couple of old friends like I did – Larry, who I can’t ever remember not knowing (speaking of wrestling, he and I tore up our third-grade class when the teacher was out of the room in a grade-school melee) and Randy, my buddy who was a wrestling coach – which in itself speaks to his insanity. Three compadres for 50 years, enjoying a sporting event: Priceless (well, the food we consumed cost two arms and a leg).

Now that wrestling is out of the way, on to “March Madness”!

Idol Hands Are the Devil's TiVo

2009-03-15T19:10:00.002-05:00

OK, I'll admit it — I watch American Idol. But I don't buy the winners' (or losers') CDs to listen to forever and forever. The quagmire of the competition, quirky cuteness of the contestants, or the absolute rudeness of the judges play to the corrosion of our very souls. Where else can you find a washed-up black bass player (spouting "Hey, dawg!"), a ditzy un-blond dancer space cadet and a rude, smug, pompous (1990s t-shirt wearing) British-accented fop? (Hey, what's the deal with this fourth judge — she does NOT bring anything to the mix.) Simon can't even remember her name part of the time — oh, shoot, what IS her name?

Of course, the auditions are better than the show most of the time. Some of the women are more likely to be on "Girls Gone Wild" instead of American Idol, because they actually believed some guy who told her she could sing (ulterior motives, no doubt). The wackos, nutballs, gender-benders and psychos prance their pomp and pageantry soundtrack for all of us to humiliate them from the convenience of our favorite comfortable chair. What a deal! This is a better deal than a Hot'n'Ready pizza to a 20-year-old with a $10 bill. One of my favorites is when they say, "If I don't go there to Hollywood, I'll just die!" If you had just listened to yourself, then you'd have brought your own casket.

When they get to Hollywood and get put into mini-subsets to perform together is when we realize that SOME people don't work well with others. Group gargling their little song snippets turns into being snippy to each other. Plus, it's just kinda stupid, like singing the outstanding qualities of Jell-O — who cares?

The fledglings of this folly that marched on have a new challenge. The asinine statement from the judges — "I didn't think you selected the right song." Well, whoop-de-frickin-doo! Like Tuesday night, they were supposed to sing a song of Michael Jackson's. Yeah, that creepy, child-molesting, silver-gloved, dance-prancer, falsetto-singing, Tito's-brother Jackson. So you have 13 crooners to calculate an M.J. song to sing to make them look good. What a joke, that Randy saying, "Dawg, that's not the right song for you, dude!" I would have told him to eat a habanero pepper and sing "Ben" your own tappy-head self. Maybe if they could sing and eat at the same time, they could be the next Food Network star and American Idol rolled into one.

Another thing — after watching A.I. for a long time, I realize that basketball players aren't the only ones with tattoos. I hope for their sake that they don't get American Idol tattooed on their body until they win. Probably at least one of them had their 1-800 number tattooed on their body. Too bad those vote calls will be a disconnected number.

Even if you're not a fan, maybe I'll see you at American Idol on Ice...

The Economic Stimulus Knocks the Head Off the Scab

2009-03-06T17:06:00.002-06:00

The economy is down with shades of up, our retirement savings are drastically decimated, but overall the crazies are amongst us — BEWARE! For example, an innocent man was killed over a queue-jumping incident, just for stepping in front of a lady to buy a pack of cigarettes. She had a third-party guy whack him on the head at a later time — BUT it was the wrong guy (like it was really OK if it had been the right person).

Next is an addict gone crazy (this lady happens to be a Chicken McNuggets addict). The cashier toeing the alleged company line at McDonalds took her order and money for Chicken McNuggets, but as in one of my favorite Seinfield episodes, "she knew how to take the reservation but not fill the reservation." You got it — at that point in time, they ran out of Chicken McNuggets. The McDonaldite was forceful in requiring her to make a "second-best choice." I guess she wasn't a burger girl or in a fish mood. She proceeded to call 911 not once, not twice, but THREE times, proclaiming "I won't settle for anything but Chicken McNuggets!" Let's put it this way — the local police were Burger King boys, What-A-Burger buddies, or Arbys-over-arguments type people. Yes, she was fined for misusing the 911 system, to the amount of about 30 Happy Meals.

Next on Glen Ray's radar is the car commercial shouting out that you can put a car on layaway for only $40. What the heck is this foolishness? Here I go again — when I was a mere lad, my mother and others like me with their mothers would go, try on for size, and put in layaway school clothes to start school every year. If you haven't figured this part out, it happened in July, so they'd be paid for by September when we started school. Parents would use the layaway system to pay out toys for Christmas (bicycles, if you were lucky). I digress — what the heck does $40 towards a $5,000, $10,000 or $15,000 car mean? By the time you'd pay out the vehicle, it would be old enough to qualify for a flat-fee antique tag!

The cable channel reality show "Rock of Love: Charm School" changes broads, bimbos and tarts into outstanding young ladies (let me sell you a Florida condo in a flood zone). Guess what? One of the aforementioned felines is suing Sharon Osbourne (Ozzie Osbourne's wife — which is her instant defense of a temporary insanity plea) over an altercation of throwing substances on camera. How "charming" — it's worse than a Jerry Springer YouTube clip, but not exactly an Emily Post moment.

Why don't we ever hear about eBay? That should give us the real feel for our economy. Is everyone selling their New Kids on the Block 1993 t-shirt, or their John F. Kennedy plate with all the other presidents on it? I want the daily eBay report, not the stock market.

Want to buy a candle that looks like Johnny Carson's wife, or cut in line to pay for milk and bread? Watch your back and your wallet!

Veal Oscar and Other Movie Delights

2009-02-25T20:36:00.004-06:00

Many of my co-workers think I'm up on all the pop culture scene (it's taken years of manipulation), including the movies up for the Best Picture Oscar this year. This leads to a very devious game I play with them in my synopsis of a movie they haven't seen and have no knowledge of. This is my rundown for my peers, so they can seem knowledgeable to their clients (is this a great country, or what?).

Milk — This is an epic tale of the dairy ranchers vs. the soybean farmers in a battle for the range rights in the fertile valleys of California. Skulduggery galore in the race to get their milk, cows or soy to market in San Francisco in the 1970s, when a whole generation is drinking Coke to make the whole world sing in perfect harmony.

Frost/Nixon — This ramped-up action flick about secret agent Frost Nixon battling the bad guys from Bucharest to Bangladesh never has a dull moment. No sneaking out to the bathroom or making a popcorn run if you don't want to miss the excitement!

The Reader — Timeless tale of the office nerd who reads the instructions for the copier, manuals for software, the phone system guidebook, and networks computers in his sleep. As the office tumbles into a nightmare, only the Reader can get things back to normal, so people can look at Facebook, circulate rude e-mails and shop for homes on openhouseok.com. He saves the day with all his fellow slackers, and unproductivity levels are finally back to normal.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button — This one may be headed for the crown of a classic. Pixar had Cars, now we have the Button, a story in which a button named Benjamin falls off little Danny's jacket. A journey begins through numerous perils, unforgettable characters and zippy tunes for a must-see movie with your grandkids. You'll be humming these songs in the car before you know it!

Last but not least, my prediction to win the Oscar...

Slumdog Millionaire — A rapper in Philly named "Slumdog Doggy Bling" is forced to attend church with his mother and meets Shinaka, who captures his heart instantly, but shuns him after he stands her up for a lousy gig in Detroit. His third-level career as a rapper is going nowhere, but he wins a million dollars in the lottery by getting a ticket instead of change when buying smokes. After blowing all the money on carp, parties, bad CD deals and his posse, Slumdog is a kicked pup. Then and only then does he realize that all he really wants is Shinaka and a Roto-Rooter franchise. I won't spoil the ending for you...

So, I guess if any of my co-workers watched the Oscars, they were totally confused. As a correspondent of culture, maybe truth is stranger than fiction. Ask about our updated guide to Interior Design Fashion (love those lava lamps!).

See you in the movies...

Habitat for Hamas

2009-02-22T19:19:00.002-06:00

Well, sports fans — the new President, as one of the first things in office, signed an order to close Gitmo. Yep, Guantanamo Bay prison, where the prisoners captured IN THE FIELD war participants are housed, has been ordered to close by a certain date. Just where the heck do they go? Their own countries don't want these terrible guys back, other countries don't want them either. Let's look at a few of the options...

The San Francisco option — Folks, we need your pledge of support monthly by sending in only $23 for "Little Timmy the Terrorist" (Ahbad Khomboomba). With your adoption donation, you'll get a picture of him with Sally Struthers, a note from him four times a year (if you're brave enough to give him your address), and a certificate suitable for framing. Your money goes toward heavy black robes, cute little skull caps, a new nap mat and shoes with hollow pockets in the heels.

The Hollywood option — Bring all the terrorists to Hollywood with one of those gold-colored sheets from American Idol and put them up in the mansion used by the Bachelor show. Since a few of the attorneys from OJ's dream team defense group have passed on, you would instead give them the actors who play the parts (in a made-for-TV movie). Then all those Hollywood actors and actresses that don't think these people are dangerous can have them over to their mansion for a sleepover.

The Georgia option — Jimmy Carter has a lot of free time these days, so he can build a little prison village out of Habitat for Humanity homes (or Habitat for Hamas). After all, the peanut butter thing is scaring the do-dah out of everyone right now, so he could get those un-busy plant workers to pitch in. Just bring the terrorists in through the Atlanta airport (that's enough to scare the truth out of anybody).

The Chicago option — Send them to Chicago to become community organizers in ACORN. Then they could sign up all their fellow Arabs to vote, get political favors, bid contracts and jobs. After awhile, they'd give up terrorism for this gig because it's similar but they don't expect you to slap a bomb kit on, run into a crowd and blow yourself up.

The Arizona option — Send them to the desert in the county where the sheriff makes them wear pink undies, jumpsuits and tennis shoes. The sheriff feeds them beanie weenies, bread and a carrot stick. "Desert? They don't need no stinkin' desert!" And no smoke breaks...

The (name undisclosed) option — Hide them in a warehouse in New Jersey, but spread the rumor on the street that they are there to "take over the action" (numbers, bookmaking, drugs, prostitution, grand thieving and protection money). Feed the terrorists Spam and Kool-Aid until the "wise guys" settle this little problem for us.

Hey, maybe Gitmo is the place they ought to be. Wham! (I could've had a V-8!) Maybe that's why they are there — because it makes pretty good sense! Who'da figured???

Random OKC Metro Ramblings

2009-02-15T20:40:00.004-06:00

All those out-of-state or metro readers, please indulge me on this one. First out of the chute is the robbery at the Nichols Hills Cleaners of an "undisclosed amount of money" recently. For those not familiar with the cleaners' location, it's in the "ghetto part of Nichols Hills", in the Plaza (owned by Chesapeake) and directly across from the Nichols Hills Police Department. Are we safe at the salon, are we brave enough to go to the boutiques? If our noses are up in the air, then how can we spot robbers? Rumor has it, the police were tied up out giving tickets to people that had the gall to park a pickup truck in their Nichols Hills driveway.

Point number two — recently, four restaurants have closed on the Memorial Street corridor from MacArthur to Penn. That only leaves about 30 or so left. (Ha!) Oklahomans are a fickle lot — they know what they like and don't like. National chains do well sometimes, and often they are surprised that they don't pass the local muster. Barbeque is a strange animal, being that Okies consume a LOT of it. Smokey Bones (went out), Tony Roma's (went out two different times). Besides, didn't he have any old family Italian recipes to share with us instead of being a BBQ poacher? We like our BBQ from guys like Leo, Earl or George, who you know was up at night stoking the smoker. Carrabas never took off, but Bravo's is doing fine. Cheeseburger in Paradise was slow and mediocre but hey, everybody loves Jimmy Buffett (we forgive him because we know he wasn't running the darn thing anyway).

Lastly, all the TV stations are Johnny on the spot to cover a story (block the way at the scene, probably), but why if the "story" happens at 9 or 10 a.m. do they have a reporter standing in the same place at 10 p.m. (dark, so they have to have lights) reporting this story which is old news by now, because our interest is fixated on some other story that happened in the last 12 HOURS. If our legal system was better, then the perpetrators could be caught and had their trial by the late newscast.

Check out the Oklahoma League for the Blind — it's a fascinating story about what all they do and manufacture. Pretty awesome what these people are able to accomplish.

Chick-Fil-A is open in Moore now. Does that make Moore a Big League City???

Postal Service (the dysfunctional family of bureaucracy) Needs More $$$$

2009-02-07T20:26:00.003-06:00

The Ray Charles commemorative stamp is singing "It's Crying Time Again" for the US Postal Service, so get on your raincoats and waders...

As the pompous head of this mish-mosh testified before Congress (another dysfunctional family) with his glasses slipped down to the end of his nose, and looking over them at the panel, "With the rise in electronic communications driving profound and permanent changes in the MAIL MIX as we entered the new century, it became clear that this model was being rendered obsolete."

Wow! That's worth his hefty retirement package right there. The "model" he refers to looks like a model (car, airplane, train) put together by a young lad with glue that he's sniffed way, way too much of in an enclosed room.

The first thing that comes to mind is that every post office has four to six slots for customer service inside, but there are usually only two of them open at any given time. I challenge you to go into any metro post office and find the slots all being manned. The USPS (United States Postal Service) has 37,000 facilities with two or more slots open per place (or one if it's a two-holer service desk). These don't include the 400 large special-purpose mail processing plants used as sorting centers. USPS has 220,000 motor vehicles (of which many are driven from the wrong side — not too swift for resale value).

Let's look at the "model" further, my friend. They sell, stock and inventory a lot of "stuff", crap or junk. I realize they need to sell mailing supplies, but why pre-inked rubber stamps? What's the deal with games, puzzles, stuffed animals, NASCAR paraphernalia, books (let people go to Barnes & Noble or their local bookstore), a plethora of stamp collecting stuff (Hobby Lobby or the local stamp store might wonder why their tax dollars are competing with them), or all these bazillion different stamps of all prices?

Think about it — if there is $1,000 worth of all this inventory at every one of the 37,000 locations, that equates to $37 MILLION dollars of inventory just lying around gathering dust. All this crap needs to be bought at the Dollar Tree, not the post office. One of the post office's main functions used to be to display pictures of America's Most Wanted, but they don't even do that good anymore.

Do the postmen still wear pith helmets? Plus, the fashion police are "on the case" with those knee-high black tube sock thingies.

Hey wait — I just found an Elvis stamp with his hair not greased up. It must be a collector's item worth a zillion dollars! I'll donate it to the USPS if they just won't disappear to the back when it's finally my turn at the counter.

I received a letter with a Kwanzaa stamp on it last July — what's the deal with that???

You Think "It's Just Girl Scout Cookies"

2009-01-28T19:17:00.007-06:00

This time of year, each and every year for over five decades, a plague worse than the one spread by those pesky Keebler elves, is when the market is flooded by Girl Scout cookies. The little lasses are at your workplace, in front of Wal-Mart, at church, at sporting events, or even door-to-door (your front door). Peanut butter, pecan sandies, chocolate chips, and the "heroin or crack cocaine" of cookies — chocolate mint! Most people slip those buggers in the fridge to put a cool chill on the chocolate mint.

These girls selling, distributing or shilling those taste treats were whipped into a frenzy with hopes of winning sales prizes, personal accolades or Troop Supremacy of the Western World (which now is international).

What you don't realize as you reach for your wallet is that this is a carefully orchestrated plot by a Star Chamber of women MLMs (multi-level marketers), put in place years ago (could have been part of the women's movement) for subversive training. Womatrons representing Arbonne, Tupperware, Pampered Chef, Avon, Home Interior, Sarah Coventry, Lingerie Lady, Mary Kay, Paula's Purses, Noni Juice, Prime America, or the big dog — Amway — all gathered in a secret spot to put together this coup d'état of the Girl Scouts to incubate little sample soldiers for their cause. The location of this meeting is not known for sure, and the only clues are: (1) it's at a really cool full-blown spa, and (2) it's in the close radius of some of the US of A's "prime shopping" areas.

They all realized a happy face, quality product and cute uniform would teach these lassies how to "ask for the order" without much of an opportunity for rejection. Just count on the fingers of one hand how many times you've said "no." Over the years, you've probably said no unless by chance two Scouts in a row tagged you.

So, my friend, I'm warning you — if you buy those cookies from her today, it's like getting a dollar sign stamped on your forehead. She put you in her internal database for the rest of your natural-born days. I hope you need make-up, vitamins or a really, really expensive set of cooking pots, because you're now like a deer in the headlights!

As the plot thickens, my friends, red-white-and-blue-adorned Camp Fire Girls start the second surge upon us, with the annual candy sale drive. Do you see a pattern, anyone??? Oh, well — pass those coconut cookies — they're my favorite....

Let's Put the Lid on the Big Bowl

2009-01-15T23:15:00.004-06:00

Well, sports fans, I'm writing this before the HUGE BCS championship game. Having this on Thursday night is a heart-wrenching exercise of conflict — not the game, but not being able to watch Grey's Anatomy live (some "former wives" told their spouses to DVR the game).

To get to this point, we had 34 Bowl games. Two things you didn't know before are 34 Bowl games and Oklahoma has 96 Indian casinos, of which none have a "Sports Book" to place a bet on any of these games. Probably somewhere there is a guy doing "free seminars" at the Holiday Inn for you to buy his DVDs and tapes on "How to Be a Successful Bookie" (testimonials on request).

Back on subject — you've been Oranged, Sugared, Papa Johned, Meineked, Emeriled, Gatored, and Chik-Fil-A-ed into a lathered-up frenzy. Except the Sun Bowl with Oregon State vs. Pittsburgh, whose score was 3-0 (even Gatorade was ashamed that they didn't just pour a cup on the winning coach), where they missed the coach with the water cooler.

I have three suggestions for Bowl season:

They need to have the eHarmony Bowl, where a man and a woman meet online to get their tickets, plus be paired up. A long date of pre-game, going to the game together, and then an after-activity of their mutual choice. A lot can be ascertained this way — did he ignore her, or she him? Did he or she have to explain the game during a good part? Did they behave like little ladies and gentlemen? Remember, after any knock-down, please go back to your respective corners...
Banning of all E.D. commercials during the games. Most guys over 25 are wishing they were young and back playing football themselves, not just watching it. Even if you have a "problem of extending past four hours", nobody is going to the hospital until the game is over.
We need the "Little People's Bowl" because they deserve to play just like anyone else.

I hope you got a Slingin' Sammy Bradford shirt with his name written in Cherokee (rumor has it, you can walk across hot coals with one) or the Tim Tebow Towel, which lets you walk on water, plus it soaks up 10 times more than a normal chamois.

Don't mourn the end of the Bowl season too much — "March Madness" is closer than you think!

To Bowl or Not to Bowl

2009-01-07T17:42:00.004-06:00

Once again, we made it through "The Bowl Season". The Bowl Season is a plot put forth by the merchants and the women of the world. Ingenious ploy; give those males what they want — football, football, FOOTBALL — plus, throw in food and cheerleaders. It's like hooking a five-pound bass.

What do the women get in return? Trips to places they wouldn't normally go, like San Diego, Miami, Hawaii, New Orleans, Nashville and Scottsdale (all in the winter, after becoming a crazy, shrieking banshee after holiday gatherings). Guess what? Nice hotels (you don't make the bed), great food (you don't have to cook or clean up), and the BIG "S" (shopping at after-Christmas prices everywhere). Lovely ladies shopping everywhere, and those men didn't even know what hit them — BCS is code for "Babes Can Shop"! Whether your husband's team (theoretically, your team, too) wins or loses, you've made out like a bandit.

Even if you don't get to go to a Bowl location, women have the home-field advantage. They throw out every easy-made (bad for you, but mass quantities are consumed watching the commercials) food they can think of from "Recipes Gone Wild". Women then get you to invite one of your buds, or maybe your wing-man and his wife, over for a Bowl game — and the next time you look up, the wives are gone to Gordman's or Penn Square.

Bowl shopping has its own scoring system. If the MSRP (car lingo) or original price is $120, then you get a 33% mark-down, then another price reduction of 25% for the Red Tag price, plus use your 20% off coupon and another 10% if you use their charge card... Are you with me? If you went shopping during a Bowl game, they probably still owe YOU money or merchandise.

You still have time — the Super Bowl isn't until February 1st. Heck, you only have until Valentine's Day before all offers are void where prohibited.

2008: Year of the Fish Bait (as the Chinese name them)

2008-12-27T16:36:00.003-06:00

Yeah, 2008 smells, stinks and reeks of crooked politics, greed and idiot's disease running rampant. Congress spent money the last few years like drunken sailors on leave. Companies ran up stock prices with Wall Streeters soaking it for millions, then begging for help like college kids gone wild. Crime is on the upswing everywhere, but on a positive note, President Bush kept us safe from terrorist attacks.

Loads of natural disasters, like flooding in the Midwest (but we'll just build back in the same place, assuming it won't flood again). Housing markets, property values and shady mortgage loans caused lots of problems. Well, guess what, folks? Some people shouldn't own a home! Our poor are so well-off compared to other countries. Food stamps with (cell phones, big or multiple TVs, computers, internet access and junk food).

Enough downer stuff — what else happened this year? Well, the closing (or moving) of one of my beloved icons, Yankee Stadium, was almost overshadowed by one of its players, A-Rod (Alex Rodriguez) being of the married person kind, whose little peccadillo of DATING another married high-profile type, Madonna (what Britney Spears wants to be when she grows up — the poster lady for explaining the need for foster children). Did they think nobody in New York would notice?

As they used to say, "Jimmy the Greek won't touch them odds" pertaining to the alleged safest bets for 2008:

Patriots (undefeated) will beat the Giants in the Superbowl

Hillary Rodham Clinton is a "lock" for the Democrat presidential nominee.

That, my friends, is why they call it a bet.

People screamed and cursed adamantly that Sarah Palin wasn't qualified but those same "progressives" are now saying Caroline Kennedy is qualified to be a US Senator, mostly because of her parents. Shoot, then — let's make the case for Chastity Bono. Her parents were famous, had a lot of money, knew all the "beautiful people," her father was a Congressman and a mayor, her mother has been to a zillion countries worldwide. Put her in a dressy flannel plaid shirt and Chastity Bono will hit the ground running.

When Russia invaded Georgia this year, Jimmy Carter had to fly back to Atlanta in hopes of saving the peanut farms, only to find out that (as usual with him) his calculations were a few thousand off.

Paul Newman passed on this year — I didn't like his politics, but his food is good and the foundation does positive stuff. Speaking of stuff — George Carlin also passed on, but his routine about "stuff" was a classic (or for you younger people — LOL!).

Things never got bad enough for Forbes magazine not to notice the fictional side of wealth. Forbes named the top 15 fictional wealthiest people, with #5 Thurston Howell III, #4 Scrooge McDuck, #3 Oliver "Daddy" Warbucks (got his during the Depression), #2 Richie Rich, and (drum roll, please) #1 Santa Claus (who'd have thought he could beat out Gordon Gekko?).

I hope your Christmas was merry, and have a Happy New Year 2009 — Year of the Lug Nut.

Merry CHRISTmas, for God's sake, people...

2008-12-13T21:00:00.005-06:00

Now then, let's have a reality check. Christmas does after all have the word CHRIST in its midst, but several groups and people in a slight minority have been on a campaign to take the word out.

The American Humanist Association (was it hard for them to find each other, because there's not one of their buildings at major corners of every town in the US of A, like churches?) has a campaign in Washington, DC with pithy statements on public buses like "Why believe in a god?" (lower case theirs, not mine — for lightning purposes). "Just be good for goodness' sake." They say the reason is because the agnostics, atheists and other kinds of non-theists feel a little alone during the "holidays" because of its association with traditional religion.

I may be an Okie from the old ages (I can remember the '60s, but in a somewhat purple haze), but isn't this like saying you're rolling a fruitcake tin on an oil leak trail to find a sweet used car?

Say it, just spit it out — MERRY CHRISTMAS! Years ago, everyone said it. We respected our Jewish friends and others, but they knew we extended our humanity to them because of the CHRIST in Christmas was in our spirit, giving us a gentle nudge when we needed it.

I'll admit that we've let commercialization take over and rule. One sad note is the Wal-Mart employee being crushed needlessly. Or children being torn apart among numerous parents and grandparents. Out among us are silly things exasperated by the cloak of the season.

Plus, the Christmas season is full of interesting events, stories and melon thumpers. Take for instance the baby Jesus in a nativity scene outside a church that was stolen, but tracked down because of a GPS chip implanted in the infant. What kind of hot seat in hell do you get on the front row for heisting the Heavenly Father's Son? That dude's gonna glow in the dark for eternity!

Have you heard about the Santa Claus-suited nut job that got caught shoplifting, then used counterfeit money to pay his bail? Who said the District Attorney's office doesn't chase bad checks (or phony cash) in a quick, timely manner to seek recovery?

Another Santa was spotted breaking into a home and told the neighbor that he was doing a surprise like a "singing telegram", but of course was LYING and set the alarm off.

We say MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Thanksgiving Means Be Thankful, or Be a Turkey

2008-11-30T17:13:00.003-06:00

This 2008, I'm thankful for a lot of things — good, bad and minuscule:

I'm thankful for Snickers bars with almonds, because that's a taste combo that I crave sometimes.

I'm thankful that most little kids see me as a grandfather figure, and not a spooky monster.

I'm thankful that I didn't grow up to be a proctologist (even though my mother would have wanted a doctor)

I'm thankful that I didn't (as I once thought about) pursue a career in professional wrestling — my figure wouldn't be very sightly in tights.

I'm thankful I live in a country where I have plenty to eat and DON'T have to eat brussels sprouts for any reason.

I'm thankful my neighbors don't have a pit bull or a barking, yelping or moaning dog.

I'm thankful the big fashion "must" is NOT wearing polka-dot ties.

I'm thankful leftovers (food) don't have a mind of their own and form a union which makes you eat them until they are all gone.

I'm thankful that football and basketball are in HD now, so I can see their goofy tattoos in such detail.

I'm thankful that Abraham's Onion Burgers is going to re-open on North Western (like I really need a greasy onion burger and fries).

I'm thankful for all my family, friends, God's love, the people who provide our safety (the troops in our Armed Forces, police officers, firemen, healthcare providers), and for America, the greatest country in the world.

I'm thankful most of all that you're reading my blog — yeah, this blog — and I hope your Thanksgiving was the best ever!

There Is No Recipe for Leftover Chocolate

2008-11-08T19:17:00.003-06:00

Give me your word, and then I'll let you in on the world's most highly kept secret. That's right, I trust you with this closely-guarded, cherished bit of classified info.

Gold, diamonds, stocks, bonds or currency are not the most valuable forms of exchange — no, our world runs on chocolate. All other wealth barometers like the Gold Standard, oil prices of resources, and money from all countries are smoke screens to hide the amount of chocolate that trades hands in the entire world. Kings (more so, their wives), queens, world leaders, PTA presidents, or your own wives, are all run by the effects of chocolate.

You may be saying, "He's a conspiracy nutball," but let me convince you. Think about who it affects, my friend — women, men, women, children, women, businesswomen, orphans, women, mothers, women, and all those who've tasted this addictive elixir of brain-sensor-triggering sweet or bittersweet substance. It's a worldwide conspiracy, with the key players going for dominance of the world. Let's take a look at the culprits: Godiva, Hershey, Nestle, Mars, Ghiradelli, Swiss, or numerous candymakers that are vying for world to-choco-tarianism.

It's more addictive than meth, worse than a heroin junkie, and the number of choco-addicts is greater than the millions of ciggie smokers. As the plot thickens, let me explain the craftiness of these perpetrators. Chocolate for Valentine's, fudge, or Christmas bells/Santa Claus chocolate figures in catchy aluminum wrappings, hollow chocolate bunnies for Easter (do you see a pattern here?), sold and given to each other like lemmings running off a cliff.

How can chocolate affect you? Well, it makes grown women cry, yell, throw things or slam phones (and that's just lady Realtors). Guns are pulled, knives are waved, combs or brushes wielded, or even pepper spray shadow of use can make most people give over the chocolate. If you've ever seen the wild fire in a lady's eyes who's coming for the chocolate, you've seen SATAN (you've been warned, my friend, you've been warned...).

Don't think this war is like the cheery little M&M characters — we're talking all sorts of devious worldwide covert operations. The CIA (Chocolate Intelligence Army), which you probably thought meant something else, will stop at nothing to spread their addiction and control.

Why am I writing this, you ask? Think about all the chocolate exchanged for Halloween this year and tell me I'm a "conspiracy wacko". Now they've got your kids, unless you took all the chocolate away and left your kids with the orange or black wrapped peanut butter candies. Don't laugh — mean mothers are hooked that bad. Just remember that vanilla is the most-sold flavor of ice cream worldwide. Why? Because you put chocolate sauce on it, my friend, because you put chocolate (hot fudge) sauce on it.

Eat-less in Seattle

2008-11-01T12:10:00.016-05:00

My, oh, my! After all these years, the Glenster finally got to go up Seattle way. Been to Vancouver, which was outta-sight (bet you hadn't heard that in awhile!), but never to Seattle, which had me lusting for a visit after watching "Elvis at the World's Fair" as a mere lad.

Plus, as an avid watch of the Travel Channel, Food Network and internet roaming, my taste buds were exploding with curiosity before I ever reached the cab from the airport. All your friends bombarding you, telling you the seafood, salmon and wine are off the charts in Seattle — but I was on a "mission" to find more.

First off, the one place jumping off everyone's charts (Rachel Ray's Picks, America's Best Doughnuts, Phatt Frank's Hall of Fame, and a client from Seattle) is Top Pot Doughnuts, with its classic choices of just the old standby regular doughnuts and rolls, but done right with melt-in-your-mouth toppings. Not 50,000 choices, but 12 really, really good ones.

Of course, the coffee is fantastic, because in Seattle almost everyone's coffee is fantastic. I got my picture taken outside the first Starbucks, but didn't buy ANY Starbucks in Seattle because the rest of the coffee places are so good.

Fresh produce is plentiful everywhere, like the marvelous food at the Steelhead Diner. Updated comfort food as your choices, done with a quirky flair (bigger amounts than one person can [should] eat), presented appetizingly, so share with somebody.

Speaking of comfort food, check out the Icon Grill with its rich history, downtown location, and menu they bill as "aroused Americana", showcasing the Five Cheese Macaroni & Cheese (feeds three people as a side dish), On-the Spot Fried Chicken or the Northwest Mix. Nice atmosphere with eclectic decor for a quiet, enjoyable dinner plus decadent dessert surprises. Get the refrigerator dolly to cart your friend out, while you're both smiling!

Maybe Asian fusion done with seafood jump-kicks your starter. Wild Ginger has some mean grub — shrimp, scallops or lobster blended with the freshest veggies in unforgettable sauces, prepared fresh just for you. Rice and lip-licking pot stickers done to perfection create a speed bump of taste for the cool after-work crowd which will slow them down every time.

Speaking of speed bumps, the traffic is really bad in Seattle. If you don't believe me, check out the safety cones! On the way to a fantastic neighborhood Italian bistro, Machiavelli Ristorante, the highway bridge comes into play over railroad tracks, but it's a hip little area like the Paseo District in OKC.

As you can see from my pic, taking a rest chillin' out after the Experience Music Project (Jimi Hendrix museum) was a hard task because of the pressure of picking the next place to eat. Plus, remembering the time I dragged my best buddy, Randy Allison, to see Jimi Hendrix at OU in the late '60s. It was good and loud — a lot better than Randy's usual musical fare of the Lettermen or Fifth Dimension soft pop mushy jibberish.

It was a great trip — the fable of my introduction to "high tea" will be another entry...

The Vacuum Sucking Out the Vacation Pleasure Experience

2008-10-23T19:51:00.003-05:00

I really enjoy going to new places, towns, sights, cultures and food experiences — but air travel just sucks the life out of you.

All these nimrods that are too cheap to check in their suitcase, so they try to bring it on board. Rolling, poking, pushing, shoving and slinging their over-size, over-loaded, over-packed "allegedly" carry-on type luggage, through small aisles of planes to insert them into a limited number of overhead bins which are smaller than the luggage — not to mention coats, laptops or foam replicas of the Empire State Building and wedding gifts for the newlyweds (who would rather have a gift card) — they're all clogging the boarding and deboarding process.

Cut us all some slack — check your crap in before boarding! Southwest and Frontier don't even charge a DIME for your suitcases to be checked. Your 15-20 minutes of time saved by not checking your luggage is lost when all you jokers tie up EVERYONE on the plane upon landing or pre-takeoff.

On a recent flight, a woman had her suitcase open, blocking the aisle for the 45 people yet to board while she looked for her fuzzy slippers to wear on the plane. Oh, no, she didn't have time to do this BEFORE getting on the plane, because she was too busy talking on her cell phone at the airport about tuna casserole (it's a national crisis on the casserole front).

So my proposal is, limit everyone to an iPod, two magazines and a bottle of water (of course, chocolate is allowed for the ladies). Everyone would be happy (unless the airline sends your luggage to Timbuktu). But they accomplish that sometimes, anyway.

Crazy School Daze Are Off to the Races

2008-10-13T21:56:00.003-05:00

Every year, problems start up when school starts because kids have to push the limits, parents go too far and the "educational system" is like no other. We demand safety, medical oversight, learning, social and athletic activities for "our" student (but just to the degree that I agree). Parents want all the other students to obey the rules, but "mine" can be the exception.

Check this out — our federal money for schools includes money from Mexico. No, I didn't make a mistake — Mexico gives over a MILLION dollars to help teach Mexicans to advance so they can (let's all say it together...) send money back to Mexico from the US, which was about $24 billion last year. Let the $24 billion pay some of the bad mortgages we are now paying for. France and Japan also provide educational assistance — are they sneaking in and we don't know it?

Now do you understand why we should have proof of citizenship to enroll kids in school? The federal government should provide schools just for illegal immigrants and their children. Our local schools are being forced to make unpopular choices because of overcrowding.

More crazy than that — what's the deal with all these teachers having affairs with students? Mostly, women are seducing these "pool/lawn boys" which isn't exactly difficult, since their testosty hormones are pegging off the charts.

Here we go to the "back in my day" speech (ha!)... I had a little crush on my eighth grade French teacher, Marilyn Gore. (Rumor had it, she worked as an airline stewardess to put herself through college.) I found out later that she went to work at OCU as a recruiter and charmed Vince Orza into coming here for school. She was pretty, sophisticated, and just a "Big League Babe" (corny, sexist eighth-grader term, but meant in ultimate respect).

We've got a 33-year-old woman stealing IDs from her 15-year-old daughter so she can enroll herself back into high school so the woman (mother) can try out for cheerleader. She made it, but her check for the uniform deposit bounced. She claimed she wasn't a good math student (checkbook mania got her), and was sad to move from her old school. Gosh, I don't know why she didn't have custody of her daughter!

Guns at school, kids drinking and doing illegal substances and gangs terrorizing the town — I'm sure glad we're not back in the Wild West! Nonetheless, school spirit runs high everywhere, and on Friday night you probably could still steal everything in town while the folks are away to the next town for the "big game".

Look out! It's "fall break", and Halloween is on its way!!!

$700 Billion Dollar Bailout Smokescreen Hides the Real News this Week

2008-10-06T18:47:00.004-05:00

With all this hubbub about the financial mess, Congress, VP debates and elections, maybe you missed some of the real news....

First, did you know that the world's fattest man, Mexican Manuel Uribe, has lost nearly 570 ponds — almost HALF his body weight — just in time to get married? He'll look rather dapper in his "tuxedo sheet" (the guy only wears sheets because he can't get out of bed), because you need something to pin the boutonniere to! Or...

A chef died from eating the hottest chili they could make. His wife's brother (brother-in-law in most of the 50 states) said he could make chili so HOTTTT!! that the chef couldn't eat it. Much to his demise, he proved him wrong. He won the bet. Congress didn't do this, but we'll probably have a study, project or bill that's funded by us (you and me, the taxpayers) to rate or make manufacturers of chili to mark them or give health warnings. They can't handle highways, taxes or big finance, but they're licking their chops to get a shot at "Peter Piper picked a pile of pickled (hot) peppers"!

Or they'll really sink their teeth into this — in England, the government is making the cigarette manufacturers put gross, graphic pictures on cigarette packs showing throat sores and cancerous lungs, with sayings such as, "Smoking causes fatal lung cancer" or "Smoking can cause a slow, painful death." Some of these look like fake tabloid pictures. Not for the faint of heart or little kids — but those two shouldn't be buying them, anyway. And you thought everything was happening in Washington!

In closing, just a little real estate helpful hint, since Halloween is coming up. In Oklahoma, like most states, it's up to the buyer to specifically ask the question to the seller in writing. What question would this be, you ask? "Is this house haunted?" Sellers have to disclose knowledge about lead-based paint, but not if anybody has died in the house, unless specifically asked. Also, in the city limits, it's not "cool" to bury your pet in the yard. They are just like family, but need to be laid to rest someplace else.

Have a good week, and write your check for the "bailout". Send it to me and I'll make sure it gets counted! (Ha! Ha! Ha!)

$700 Billion Bailout from the Banker (us) — Deal or No Deal?

2008-09-28T18:49:00.002-05:00

Hey politicians — get a grip, buddy! This stuff is worse than a migraine epidemic in a hen house. The up-side, the down-side or not making it through the weekend. Presidential politics, regular politics and corrupt politics. We need to give Freddie and Fannie more money, or buy their loans (that's right — you and I) to keep this tainted paper from rotting in its own quagmire. While we're at it, let's (remember, I'm talking you and me, the tax-paying sons-or-daughters-of-a-gun) buy up Billy or Susie's, Frank or Holly's. Surely their loans are better-qualified, if they have any.

I was in Texas several years ago and heard this jewel: "We will loan you 125% of your home's value." As a proud graduate of U.S. Grant High School, I scratched my head and almost had a mental freeze (like when you eat ice cream too fast). Why would anyone loan (or borrow) 125% of the value of almost anything? A home would be over-valued for at least five years if the value went up 5% per year. All I can say is, let the pit boss smoking the big cigar hand you the dice and hope you can roll like a sailor on shore leave!

The best bet is to be like the CEOs of the failed corporations and get big bucks for driving that sucker right into the ground. Long-term inflation, stagnant residuals, shareholders' pain, T-bills — it's not funny, but it sounds like the side effects of all those drugs they advertise on TV. They are good for something, but the side-effects will kill you.

This mess has been forming so long before the politicians actually did anything that we would have had 9,248 alerts from Gary England (if he was doing the financial crop warnings). Oh, no, we had to worry about the extinction of polar bears (which are more numerous now than ever before) or fighting big tobacco but not outlawing it because the taxes on cigarettes, cigars and dippers give the polecats (political polecats) some more money to squander.

Did you know the "Big Bailout" contains money for car people, pay-offs for student loans, and other assorted stuff NOT related to the home loans? Thanks to you (your money, that is), a lot of people will sleep tonight and go out and make the SAME LUNKHEAD finance choices next time. Are you ready to give them some more of your money? Will you have any left?

I guess we could have called the Help Line and talked to a guy in India named Habib to get the real technical answer to solve the problem, but we would miss the "Thrill of Victory and the Agony of the Politicians." Gee, Beaver, it's just like Eddie Haskell giving you the business. He doesn't mean it — he's just trying to be a big shot!

* * * * * * *

Check your heating system before you need it. It needs cleaning every year for maximum performance, and energy prices will be HIGH this winter!

You Can Put Lipstick on It, But It's Still the State Fair

2008-09-21T18:54:00.003-05:00

Differences of opinion prevail, but some think the State Fair has been sanitized too much. Several years ago, some of the traditions were cast off or have been eliminated because of political correctness. No freak shows, oddities or motorcycle daredevils — not even a man turning into a gorilla right before your very eyes (like every 20 minutes or so).

People are still waiting in long lines for midway rides designed to jerk you, shake you, toss you and bounce you around. Loud rock music and fancy lights blare the sirens' call to lure the half-drunk teens or mid-twenties getting a thrill for two minutes and 31 seconds for $5.00 out of their system.

Then there are the kiddie rides. This is where the parents on a ride operated by characters who, under normal circumstances, are the people these parents are warning their kids to look out for and not talk to or "take candy from". We have strict training and certification to operate a boat in the Bricktown canal (which is three to four feet deep, at the most), but not the rides at the fair. Governor Brad thought this to be too hard on the people — after all, we only had one fatality in Tulsa on a ride last year.

The "dunk tank guy" was back this year with all his insulting banter which demeans everyone and everything within earshot. Perfect for a 12-year-old boy to hear and adopt into his limited communication skills. (Hey, you gave Junior $20 and four hours free to roam at the fair.)

The next big crackdown at the (everybody sing: "The Great State Fair of Oooklaahoma") is the food police. All these healthy, vegan, fat-free, cholesterol-testing, carb-counting busybodies must have their blood pressures go off the charts with these time bombs ticking on the grills and in the deep fryers. They had a new one this year — garlic mashed potatoes lumped into a wedge, then deep-fried on a stick. Just grab one and do the "glob in my veins" happy dance!

Even the carney games have been cleaned up to look like "Chucky Cheese" instead of the seedy, rigged carney sucker-magnets that they really are. Also, nobody is carrying around yardsticks anymore with some business name that nobody read, but were great for sword fights in the car on the way home. Forty-nine booths selling cheap sunglasses and food sealers — how has the world survived without these?

One thing holds true — the car is always parked farther away when you're leaving the fair than when you got there. WHO MOVES THEM????

Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner

2008-09-07T18:44:00.003-05:00

Not to brag, but I'm the luckiest, most honest, most trustworthy and best-known person in the whole wide world! Let me give forth some facts to back up this bold statement...

Every day — almost every hour — I WIN something all over the world (never in Oklahoma's lottery, however — or even in Oklahoma, period). Did I mention I'm pretty slick also, because without even entering, I've won the Grand German Giveaway, United Kingdom Sweepstakes, Spanish Spectorama, Canadian Cash Provincial Prize Powerball and Japanese Joyful Jackpot (as notified per my e-mail).

These prizes are in pounds, yen, franks, or various other countries' currencies, all awaiting my bank info to deposit into my account. (I've got sad news for them — my bank account would have a "nervous breakdown" if it saw more than a couple of grand!)

Speaking of the Oklahoma lottery, think about this: Do you know anybody who's actually won it very big? I know it's for the kids (don't tell them we're gambling on their education). Seriously, they've had to increase the promotion money to even get people to play.

Nope, I haven't won it big in any of Oklahoma's 90-plus casinos, either. Did you know we had that many??? Seventy-seven counties and over 90 casinos (Texas and Arkansas are still throwing a no-hitter). Naming them out loud sounds like a Gary England weather report!

Back to me — widows or orphans, lawyers representing estates, politicians fighting corrupt regimes, people needing business partners, and all from outside the US of A. They find the "Glenster" tucked away in Oklahoma to help them with the big bucks. I'm kind of a super-hero, like maybe "Captain Clearinghouse" — funnel me the funds and I'll save the day!

Some of these people are the Minister of this and the Emperor of that (some big-shot whoopee-do in the third-world la-la-land pecking order). I should have been able to retire already with the "fees" I make off this, but then who'd be "Captain Clearinghouse" for the next hoaxter in distress?

All their letters are marked urgent and their pleas are desperate, but they need to understand that it's hard on my end. When I waltz into my bank to tell them someone will be wiring $10 million into my account, and I will keep $1 million and forward the balance to their business suppliers, they laugh at me. "Whoa, stop! Come on now, buddy. Where's the camera? Is this one of those YouTube doo-dah deals to make us look like a goober?" Or do they just hit the hidden button for security to escort my butt outta there? See the problem for me???

I tell them, just send me cash (in unmarked bills) through the US mail — and if it makes it through the US Postal System, it'll make it through anything.

I'll admit to two things: First, I bought a scratch-off lottery ticket and won... another scratch-off lottery ticket. Secondly, those guys have probably been following my career my whole life. I was on Foreman Scotty (rode Woody, the Birthday Horse), the Ho-Ho the Clown Show, and I'm now on Cox Channel 22, Go Scout Homes. That's how I figure they can find me in little old Oklahoma. ("Hey, I don't want to make money, I just want to sell copiers!!!") Whoops — I had a flashback for a minute!

Well, lucky, honest, trustworthy and known world-wide — now you can add that my mommy didn't raise a dummy. Don't trust your e-mails and, as Danny Williams always said, "Watch out for flying chairs."

TIP: Clean your gutters out for better flow.

The Olympics in China — Isn't That Special?

2008-08-25T21:25:00.004-05:00

Well, most of us have been mesmerized by the swimming, gymnastics or beach volleyball the last couple of weeks. Many a late night has been spent watching the world's best athletes compete for their countries and the gold. People have stretched the recording capacity of their DVRs and TiVos.

The Opening Ceremonies were like a huge Chinese New Year's wingding with fireworks, spectacle, pageantry and music. The Chinese tried very hard to pull it off. Digital enhanced fireworks for television viewing, plus the "Chinese Idol" singer thingy. They have a contest like American Idol, in which a little girl wins the singing contest — then at the last moment, they substitute a cuter model-type kid and lipsync the song. (I bet her mom is looking over her shoulder all the time for the singer's mom — maybe a little acupuncture-in-the-back revenge.)

Rumor is, they had a showing of the newest Hollywood movie for just the athletes competing, and Chinese women gymnasts and divers couldn't get in because it was rated PG-13. I've picked on them enough, but why hasn't NBC done an up-close (with that goofy tall lady that nobody remembers) story about a Chinese Fire Drill? We've all heard about them our whole life, and I'm sure our conception is way off the true mark. What's the deal?

This "Rhythmic Gymnastics" deal, where they dance and tumble with streamers, hula hoops and batons looks like what the girls made up in the back yard on a boring summer evening. They are keeping this event, have BMX bicycle races (is this not a hoot?), as an event — but they are eliminating women's softball. That's right, women's softball is being cancelled, even though 181 countries are members of the World Softball Association. Hey, Olympic ping pong players — wipe that snicker off your face because you could be next!

What's the deal with the divers getting out of the pool, going to an open shower and wiping down with a little shammy cloth?

Overall, we need to be proud of all our athletes who put so much time into training, effort and sacrifice. They represented our country with honor and dignity (even the pro basketball guys, which I know was hard those spoiled brats).

God Bless the USA!

Clapton, Page, Van Halen and Ocean Guitar Thunder

2008-08-12T20:49:00.004-05:00

It's big and bad — it's Air Guitar!!!

Gas prices soaring, global warming, food skyrocketing, but who will be the new "King of the Air Axe Slingers"? You got it, people — grown (or is it "groan"?) men in spandex, grunge or hippie attire, traveling from all over to duke it out with each other, but never actually "playing" a lick on the air guitar.

With the current problems in airplane travel chaos, not having to really carry a guitar is pretty advantageous. I'll have to admit, all of us real music fans have probably taken our turn on the ol' air guitar (most likely in the privacy of our own crib, with the volume up extremely high), or you persons of libations overload may have strummed in public.

The facial expressions are very important to pulling off this visual virtuoso performance. This massive national championship is no doubt sponsored by Cuervo Black (tequila, man — tequila). The defending champion, Andrew Litz, even has a "stage name" — William Ocean (sounds pretty Barry Manilow-ish to me), unlike the 2005 king (the Rockness Monster), or even the 2006 champ Hot Lixxx Hulahan.

It's not too late for you to go to San Francisco August 20-22 for your 60-second set of strutting, strumming and stunning. In the spirit of the Olympics, you could represent the good old US of A in Oulu, Finland, to bring home the world title. No hassles at customs with your Gibson or Fender, just keep your fingers and face limber on the plane. But remember the judges at the world championships tend to reward technique over theatrics — so practice, practice, practice...

In Memphis, I was hearing the real thing — BLUES — what a guitar was made for!

* * * * *

My favorite Food Channel program, "Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives", featured the Tea Room Café in Memphis, Tennessee, and last week I got to eat lunch there. It was every bit or more than I had imagined — the choices overwhelmed me!

Narrowing it down, the meat loaf had a unique flavor with superb texture. Beets — I know most people don't like beets, but I grew up on them, as Grandma Cosper was the all-time best cooker. The Tea Room beets were way up there on the scale.

Now the killer — the scalloped tomatoes (no, I'd never heard of that before, either) were off the scale. Cheeses, spices, fresh tomatoes, onions, peppers all converged for the ultimate taste extravaganza. Topped off with corn fritters and Southern sweet tea, it all led to the sad part of no room left for dessert (I took mine to go). Peach cobbler — light, flaky, sweet and marvelous.

On a scale of one to ten, I only gained six pounds from this place. (Ha! Ha! Ha!)

Oklahoma City $$Cash Cab$$

2008-07-27T17:38:00.004-05:00

I know it's a New York City cab on the show — I'm presuming you've seen it. Asking questions, winning bucks and even kicking a blind man and elderly woman with at cane out when they answered wrong. What if two gals and a guy got into the OKC Cash Cab at Will Rogers Airport?

"To Edmond," they declare, as the driver (one of the Ogles that was short enough to fit in the cab) responds, "You're in the OKC Cash Cab! But I don't have enough prize money to get to Edmond, but how about Nichols Hills? Answer these questions to win money on the way, or three strikes and I let you out and you have to catch an OKC bus (or never be seen again)."

"First question: Which is older, the State of Oklahoma or Danny Williams?" The passengers replied, "The State of Oklahoma." "Wrong — it's Danny Williams. That's one strike."

"Second question: Has Governor Brad Henry ever been on time for anything?" The passengers talk among themselves, "What about the Centennial show, or his inauguration? Our answer is 'YES.'" BUZZ!!! "Wrong!!! Strike two! Governor Brad Henry has never, ever been on time for anything. Remember, you have two shout-outs left, either call your City Council person or you can call a friend, but after all, they didn't even pick you up at the airport, did they?"

"Now, your next question: What was the original title of Toby Keith's hit with Willie Nelson, 'Beer for My Horses, Whiskey for My Men'"? The passengers were in a panic mode, with blank stares between them, the clock ticking. In desperation, one yells "Maps for Beers!" "You're right!!! That's $25."

"We have road construction (imagine that in OKC), so as we're stopped, here's a bonus round question. Name the people's autographed pictures that are on the wall of the Oklahoma City Detox Center? Start guessing now: Eddie Sutton? (right) Barry Switzer? (right) One of those lawyers on the TV ads? (right, but which one — there's a lot of them) State labor Secretary, Lloyd Fields? (right) That's another $25!"

The next question: "Has anyone ever dove off the Sonic Building and into the Bricktown Canal?" One of the passengers mutters, "I think so..." "Are you sure?" asks another. "Oh, oh!!! I think I know.... That Chad guy in the Fowler commercials, he did it! I saw it one time between America's Greatest Dog and Law & Order."

"Whatever — Wrong!!! — XXX — BUZZ — Strike Three!!! (The dive was done with video editing.)"

"I'm pulling over — get out! Get out right here, at the Red Dog Saloon. There's probably some people from Edmond in there, maybe you'll catch a ride."

Thanks for playing $$OKC Cash Cab$$$ !!!

Evil Spirits Possess Trolleys

2008-07-20T22:25:00.005-05:00

I'm a real veteran of Downtown Oklahoma City. It was my privilege, and I do mean PRIVILEGE, to experience the "Old Downtown OKC" in my youth.

First, as a newly-turned teen in Junior High, as spooky as it might seem, my neighbor Jack (one year my junior) and I rode the city bus downtown sometimes on Saturday mornings and spent the day there. No, our parents weren't insane (I'm 57 now) — in those times, it was different.

We could go to the various hodge-podge of stores — Ben Franklins, Walgreens, Katts Drug Store (the Clara Luper sit-in site), more five-and-dime variety stores, big department stores such as John A. Brown, Rothchilds, Montgomery Ward and Kerrs. Lots of big and little clothing stores like Emmer Bros., Top Hat Haberdashery (cool name, huh?) or Streets.

Are you getting the picture? It was our version of hanging out at the mall. It had its unglamorous but exciting places, also — old pool halls, domino parlors, Army/Navy surplus stores (all up and down Sheridan and California Streets), pawn shops (if you think they have crap now, back then it was before Best Buy or WalMart) loaded with jewelry, transistor stuff, musical instruments, golf clubs, and even clocks made like hula girls (woo-hoo!).

There were cavernous book stores with walls of magazines and books — not lattés, frappés or even cherry Cokes. If you even thought about bringing drinks or food into a bookstore, you'd be "banned for LIFE" (I know there had to be a "blacklist"). Now, heck — people read the stuff free, but pay an arm and a leg for the drinks. It's 2008, and we've come a long way!!!

Now, to mention the best parts. First, back then there were nine movie theatres in downtown OKC. Five were very large, ornate, awe-strikingly beautiful old theatres where movies or stage shows had dominated in the 1930s, '40s, '50s and '60s. That evil spirit of Urban Renewal decimated these wonderful theatres, along with their lobbies, balconies, drapes, detailed sculptured walls and huge "David Letterman Show"-like marquees. We also watched Westerns or Elvis movies in the grubby, small movie joints.

Jack and I had our private playground roaming downtown OKC (without parental supervision) — exploring, poking our heads into places that told us real quick to retreat. Oh, yes, we saw the bums, winos and hookers, but framed it as a documentary in our minds (we couldn't end up like that — after all, we were born in the suburbs — HA!!!)

Last but not least, THE FOOD! It was everywhere in the form of soda fountains, diner counters, cafeterias, junk food places. The variety stores had aisles and aisles of penny candy, Jack's Deli had enormous sandwiches, Greens Lunch Counter had burger baskets with strawberry malts, and Anna Maude's Cafeteria had meat loaf plus a slice of the "Greatest Coconut Pie Ever to Exist on Planet Earth"!

Crash!!! Boom!!! Destroy!!! All this was whisked away with the "Curse of Urban Renewal".

Now that our downtown is coming back, WE CAN'T RUN THE DARN TROLLEYS ON TIME!!! Our tourist trade, our own people visiting, and the people who live and work downtown everyday need for the gosh-darned trolleys to JUST RUN ON TIME. We will ruin everyone's experience in OKC if their vacation or convention plans are jacked around by the trolleys being unreliable.

I'm submitting the reasoning for the "evil spirits" possessing the Oklahoma Spirit trolleys. I hope the "curse of Urban Renewal" doesn't take a shot at the boats on the canal or Oklahoma River. WET CURSES are the worst kind!!!

As things get hotter, remember to water your foundation. Oklahoma is the BEST place in the nation to buy or sell a home — with "That Real Estate Guy," of course...

Mama Mia, It's IKEA!!!

2008-07-13T18:09:00.003-05:00

For those uninformed like myself, Ikea (eye-key-a) is a cross between Mathis Brothers Furniture, Pier One Imports and Sam's Club. It's not a store, but a life-changing experience. My experience was in Frisco, Texas.

Methodical yet random, lifestyle or practical, fluff or necessity — all this is the one-hour or one-day quandary a visit will overwhelm you with. Remember, their furniture is all "self-assembly" — code for "YOU put it together". To get your purchase home, they provide roof racks, twine and tarps — or for the "big spenders," an Enterprise rental van. (Shhh!! It's a secret, but they also have a home delivery service.)

Upon entering, the escalator whisks you up to the second floor to start your journey. Big blue arrows on the floor or in the air guide you through a labyrinth of furniture, accessories and whole-house stuff. A lazy stroll through the Living Room area leads to a vast array of wall units, media storage and shelving. Need a Crestmoor lamp (we got one), need an elephant pillow (we got one), need a CD/DVD holder that looks like a Mediterranean footstool (we got one) or a green dragon pal for your pet? That's right — we got one!

Home office? Well, you bet your desk we do. Organizational stuff? "Bin my son, and clutter no more." Or more lights than you could grow on trees — maybe some of them ARE on trees. Little kitchen gadgets that you've lived all your life without, but if you had them, it would be neat (but you couldn't find the darn thing when you needed to use it, anyway).

Bedspreads, linens, rugs (maybe even flying carpets), wicker, batteries, clocks and children's toys. Oh, my gosh — I'm so confused and I'm still just on the second floor!

Then came the real surprise — Ikea has model apartments laid out in different sizes from 677 sq. ft. to maybe 1,000 sq. ft., that are Ikea from top to bottom. Their stuff fills it up — kitchen cabinets, sinks, closet storage with shoe racks, futons, toilets, chairs, dishes, pictures. Oh, my word — it's like an apartment dweller's "Happy Meal" in Barbie House dimensions.

It's just a little bit freaky that the tea strainer (not for a pot, but for one cup), soap dish and bed are all from one place. If you moved, you could put your "Ikea Happy Meal" apartment in a POD and go anywhere. 2008 is mobile to the third power, and living out the dream is not your board-and-cement-block shelves anymore!

I haven't even gotten to the part about a bistro on the second floor with Italian, Chinese or Continental fare, with background music to engage your senses. Not your thing? Then the smell of cinnamon rolls and 50-cent hot dogs overpower you on the first floor as you enter the "warehouse zone." That's right — you go pluck your own stuff off of huge shelf racks, a.k.a the warehouse, and then proceed to the checkout area to self-check yourself out.

People were lost like a group of kids playing "Pin the Tail on the Donkey." It works, though — they have these all over the world. Maybe you get one with an NBA team. They could pop one of those "Happy Meals" in one of those OKC downtown apartments.

Are you Deep-Fried or Slow-Roasted?

2008-07-06T13:28:00.003-05:00

Well, supposedly everything fried is bad for us. Being from the South (Southwest or South, if only being pegged for food purposes), our whole goal in life is to fry things. Throw it in some hot grease, lard or bacon fat and FRY that sucker!

Grandma's fried chicken, Uncle Fred's fried catfish or Aunt Wanda's fried pies are near and dear to our hearts. OK, I'll breeze by chicken fried steak, but how about the deal with veggies? We can't just eat our veggies, but have to fry okra, squash, green beans or even green tomatoes.

Upscale, downscale, diners, drive-ins or dives all have their version of assorted fried main dishes, side dishes or even desserts. How much crud of cholesterol can you cram in the ol' pipes without getting a "major stoppage"? The better the taste, the worse it probably is for us. If it's a two-paper-towel soaker, then you've died and gone to "Southern heaven".

The State Fair is a smorgasbord of fried food just reaching out like the Sirens luring sailors to crash on the rocks. Yes, you are right — everything we can think of can be baked or broiled. Oh, yes, it's going to be good for you, but the taste is not the same. It's just not the same to dip a B or B piece of food into a decadent cheesy dip or thick, succulent, creamy, dripping, rich, calorie-laden and spicy sauce. You may be healthy, but can you answer these questions? Have you:

Tongued a fried banana?
Tasted a fried pickle?
Popped in a fried tater tot?
Peaked on a fried peach?

Some people from different parts of the country don't even know what okra is or tastes like. Up until the last few years, I thought we had exhausted the prospects of foods to fry, but now we have more choices. Our new beta-blocker bombs are fried Twinkies (they're not your light treat anymore), fried Snickers bars (frying and chocolate — who would have thunk it?) or fried ice cream (being a C student in chemistry, I thought this was impossible).

Death on a stick is a Pronto Pup (corn dog), Long John Silver's fish-flavored fried bricks, or now they have fried pizza. What will be next — fried M&Ms, fried crab dip or fried watermelon? (It's a Southern thing, you know!)

Have you tried fried jalapeños, onions and bell peppers mixed together? This is great! Try Papa Dio's local restaurant on N. May for fried cheese — it's heavenly. A lot of people are hooked on Outback Steak House's "Bloomin' Onion" with the dipping sauce. Another big fan pleaser is fried Chinese food from places like the Grand House on NW 27th and Classen. I didn't mentioned fried eggs (because I don't know if your brain is on drugs or not).

Make a friend — find some skinny person this week and take them out for some fried food! Tell them that if they order something healthy, they're not riding home with you.

Plant a flower, plant a tree, plant a friend — they'll bloom for life!

Oh, by the way — if you know someone buying or selling a home, have them call Glen Ray.

Singing Cowboys Hang Their Heads and Cry

2008-06-29T22:06:00.008-05:00

Wow! The "Naked Singing Cowboy" from New York City is in a huge battle with Peanut M&Ms over slamming his identity (or could it be a money issue?). Let's get to the bottom of this, the background and the real circumstances.

I'm a huge fan of westerns, cowboys — and yes, even singing cowboys. Growing up, I couldn't get enough of Gene Autry (a museum dedicated to him still exists in Gene Autry, Oklahoma), Roy Rogers, Jimmie Wakely, Johnny Mack Brown or the numerous other movie cowboys.

These cowboys could sing, ride, rope and display the characteristics of strong moral values. They knew kids looked up to them. They saved the day and made right all the wrongs in the Old West. Some wore kind of wild western wear, but mostly really wearable western wear. Plus, they were into being respectful of women, and were always polite.

Let's now take a look at the "Naked Singing Cowboy" (well, not really...). Who is this guy? He wears a cowboy hat, cowboy boots, and wears only "tighty whitey" Fruit of the Loom briefs. He's got a guitar and he prowls the streets of New York playing, singing and accepting money for his "performance art". He sometimes sells advertising on his shorts and guitar.

This New York oddball has finagled his way onto guest appearances on television, motion pictures and print media. He's really well known, and I don't think there's a lot of "Naked Singing Cowboy" imitators. In Oklahoma, he and they would probably be arrested. A naked singing cowboy in Bricktown is likely not in our near future.

For most of you who don't know, a woman (definitely not a lady) can go topless in public in New York City (which is not the law of the land in most places). So if your 12-, 13- or 14-year-old boys run away, they might go to New York City instead of California. If you've ever been to New York City, you'll realize that the "Naked Singing Cowboy" is just a small part of the whole bizarre mix!

Our precious M&Ms decided to include in their new upbeat, cartoonish advertising campaign a peanut M&M in "tighty whiteys" with a cowboy hat and a guitar. If people associate this with that New York CIty NUT, he ought to be honored — attention seems to be his goal in life. Does he deserve any $$$ for this satirical parody? I think not. He should be flattered, but definitely not compensated.

Chad Stevens (the Fowler car commercial guy) does parodies all the time — like the Mathis Brothers (holding the dog was priceless), UPS (playing with the marker on the whiteboard), and the infamous noodling movie parody. I don't think those people are suing him!

Besides, all the "Naked Singing Cowboy" needs is a gym membership, because he doesn't buy clothes and food (no shirt, no service). If they give him anything, it should be peanuts (M&Ms, that is) or sunscreen.

* * * * * * *

Check your roofs — with all this weather we've had, even newer roofs might have been severely damaged. check it out before leaks start or other problems occur.

If you know someone buying or selling a home, tell them to call me. Thanks, and let's all look forward to a great 4th of July!!!

Father's Day in Culture Town

2008-06-23T19:41:00.007-05:00

Gosh, I don't know what's wrong with our culture, society or general everyday living space. The week before Father's Day on the search engine Lycos, guess what the rankings by search terms were? They have a Top 50 list every week.

Let's start with #1 — Lindsay Lohan. What a train-wreck personality!

Or #2 — YouTube (which could be anything from a gospel song, performance, or a mouse riding a cat riding a dog riding in a Hot Wheels car being pulled by a pig in the Garlic Day parade.

Then there's more floozies, actresses or models than you can shake a stick at: at #3 Kim Kardashian; #4 Megan Fox; #7 Paris Hilton; #8 Jessica Alba; #10 Angelina Jolie (whatever?); #12 Pamela Anderson; and #16 Jessica Biel.

Surprising — coming in at #5 was Naruto (no, it's not a natural way for men to grow hair on a bald head). It's the Japanese animated whatever, like a smart-aleck show-off Ninja punk.

Then who would have thunk it? Our old pal (not the American Idol) Clay Aiken is #6. Why, why, WHY????

At #9, 13 and 14 respectively, were Pokemon (the franchise lives on $$$), Facebook (I guess there's not enough pictures of sloppy drunks or 50ish men claiming they are "sensitive" and 40) and MySpace (so yesterday, it's beyond imagination).

For the practical (or web thieves), there was BitTorrent at #15, the cool way to move files and media. Practical at #15 is a surprise!

Then all you sports fans come in with Boston Celtics at #17 and Golf at #18, which should be HUGE, I would think (Father's Day week and golf at a lowly #18?). Both are behind the sports leader on Lycos, WWE at #11. (Well, maybe professional wrestling isn't a sport, per se, but there's lots of physical activity and a lot of sport watching the people who are watching the WWE.)

All this is to say that feminists, sit-coms, comedians and society have put down fathers, so last week Father's Day came out at #19. What a shame. Next year I'll be checking out the Mother's Day ratings on Lycos. At least Dad beat out Poker (#22), Coco Crisp (#36) and Hillary Clinton, who didn't even make the list (how quickly we forget!).

If you're buying or selling a home, call me — "That Real Estate Guy".

Father's Day in the Big Town

2008-06-15T18:50:00.003-05:00

Once a year, it's time to realize that I used to get excited to buy my Dad cologne (that he never used) or fishing stuff. Now he's passed away at age 93, and I'm the Dad, with two wonderful daughters who my Dad was so very proud to have as granddaughters and a wonderful mother for the girls. I think Dad thought I could possibly marry a barmaid from Bartlesville (and he wasn't looking down on the barmaid!).

When I was young, Dad and I went to the old All-Sports Stadium a lot to see the Oklahoma City '89ers baseball team, back when the Bricktown Ballpark or the Redhawks were still just a cloud in somebody's crystal ball.

Even though I was young, I still knew something crazy was going on when they had 10¢ beer night. Rowdy crowd, I guess! Yelling the crass, loud remarks at the opposing batters. We stayed until the game was over, even in a blow-out, because Dad had forked over the money for tickets and we were getting the "full enjoyment", whether you liked it or not. The up-side — with fewer people in the stands, it meant that foul balls were easier to catch, chase down or wrestle for.

The food was typical fair (pun intended) — All-Sports Stadium was on the fairgrounds. I knew Dad was good for two or three concession buys per night. Unfortunately, one of them was for hot dogs or hamburgers, because we didn't eat supper beforehand. If we did, though, then Junk Food City, here we come! Ice cream, cotton candy, caramel apples, peanuts (lots of peanuts), funnel cakes and candy bars.

I did observe something, even at that young and tender age. Down the first base line, right in front of the bleachers, was the bullpen, stocked with pitchers and catchers not seeing game action. So guess who was in the first base line bleachers? Twenty-something girls — blondes, brunettes, redheads and bleached blondes (Marilyn Monroe wannabes).

Was this just fate? I don't think so. Sometimes I would overhear conversations or the ball players would have me fetch one of the girls for them to talk with. I thought, "How lucky those girls are to get to 'meet' the ball players and go out with them." As I got older, I realized the ball player was getting played like a trout on a fly rod.

Happy Father's Day to all you Dads out there!

What's Your Peeve Level?

2008-06-10T18:17:00.003-05:00

Don't give me that "holier-than-thou" look when I ask what the current top five on your pet peeves list are. We all have things that eat away at us like a squirrel gnawing on an old pecan.

The "dude" in the 10-item-or-less express line at the grocery store with his monthly shopping (over 10, over 15 — do I hear over 20 items?!?!).

The lady that grabs the one item in a store of 12,000+ items that doesn't have a price tag, and of course the person who works in that department just started their 30-minute lunch break. After no one can be found to tell them the price, the cashier comes up with a price off the top of her head of $15.99, and the customer says, "I'll think about it..."

Convenience store clerks that ask a 50-year-old lady for her ID to buy a pack of cigarettes (how cute, how adorable, how special!!), and meanwhile the line is eight people deep while the lady digs in her purse and pulls out the pictures of her nine grandkids to get to her license and prove she's over 21.

Try this one — you pick up the dry cleaning, and your clothing has a very visible spot on it that wasn't there when you brought it in. Then they try to convince you it was there. It's almost duke-it time, and they aren't smart enough to see that you're a "life-long" customer (if they'd just take care of you!).

Next on the list — clerks who have people sign up for credit cards and preferred customer cards while check-out lines back up. Not to mention any names, but (Kohl's, Best Buy, Steinmart and CVS) are the worst offenders.

A real biggie — people who go through a large intersection on a green light, but stop immediately on the other side of the intersection to turn LEFT into a business on the corner. Breakdown!!! Instead of planning ahead (30 seconds max) by working their way over to the left-turn lane, turning left at the intersection, then turning RIGHT into the business on the corner, they block the inside lane of traffic while waiting for the cars in the opposing two lanes to clear out so they can turn. Instead of being selfish, blocking the intersection and messing up the traffic flow, be a good citizen and do the LEFT, then RIGHT thing!

For all of you coupon users, what's the deal with restaurants having "buy one, get one for half-price" coupons? Whatever happened to "buy one meal, get one free"?

That leads us to waiters or waitresses that take your order and gets every order wrong, or (as my friend Doris will attest to) that they just flat-out didn't turn your order in to the kitchen. Talk about a long wait!!! But at least they gave me a free breadstick. A FREE BREADSTICK — isn't that special???

Remember, if you know someone buying or selling, tell them to give me a call.

PS: All comments are appreciated, even if they're negative. I take criticism well, but not long!

Pitch ’Til You Win!

2008-06-01T17:49:00.003-05:00

We are an over-eating society, with Oklahomans at the head of the chute. Buffets, smorgasbords, all-you-can-eat, load ’em up nights, bottomless plate specials, endless choices and piles of pizza come at us like a freight train.

One of the busiest is Furr's Fresh Buffet on I-35 in Moore. Cars are parked on the grass, spilling out of the parking lot for breakfast, lunch and dinner. It's been rumored that if you went all-out on all three meals in one day, that you'd explode or be on a Tums I.V. I'm not brave enough to try it out!

Now, to kick this food flood up a notch, Lambert's Café in Springfield, MO, combines devouring and dodgeball. This sport is buffet ball where your life, looks and appetite are tested to the utmost. Did I mention Lambert's is the home of "Throwed Rolls"? ZING! They just missed us!

That's right — the staff is wandering around with big pans of fried potatoes with onions, macaroni 'n' tomatoes, fried okra and black-eyed peas going through the crowd dipping spoonfuls onto your plate or wax paper constantly throughout your meal. The sneaky people in their red suspenders pile you up with food, food, mounds of delicious-smelling, eye-pleasing and tasteful Southern home-cooked favorites. All this in addition to your (so-called) "normal" order of an entree choice of such delights as meat loaf, chicken fried steak, chicken and dumplings or roast beef, with your choice of two of over 18 choices in side dishes. ZING! I think that roll grazed the side of my head!

Look over there — a young high school boy is running around the room, doing his best Brett Favre imitation. Zigging and zagging to avoid the lineman's rush and hurling a spiral (roll) to some unsuspecting gentleman on a seniors' bus trip. He misses the catch, but the roll never touches the floor so it's still in play.

Remember the guys in school that for some reason were never athletic enough to even catch any type of ball? Guess what? They still can't, and when they try to catch a roll, their wife or girlfriend gets pulverized with the tipped roll. I'm here to tell you, the Brett Favre wannabe can flat CHUNK those rolls!

Bring your appetites and maybe your old catcher's mitt. Good food — and prepare to loosen your belt!

The Great Debate

2008-05-25T18:59:00.003-05:00

A great debate rages between the US and Canada over who will sit on the throne. This is not a political debate — we're talking about the OTHER throne.

Bemis Manufacturing Co. (a US firm) and Centoco Plastics Ltd. ( a Canadian firm) are at each other's throats over the "Battle of the Bottoms." Yes, the dispute is over toilet seats.

Bemis claims those darn Canadians are lying about the size and the amount of wood in a WOODEN TOILET SEAT. I give up — what amount of wood is required in a wooden toilet seat? Centoco claims 5% to 20%, but Bemis says 40%. How about 100%, if you call it a WOODEN toilet seat?

Maybe the government would settle for non-wood toilet seats — after all, it usually goes with the cheapest bidder.

In Centoco's advertising they state, "Our wood seats are highly durable and superior for high-traffic locations." Where would that be? Maybe in a bar in Bricktown, the bus station or the Ford Center during a Michael Bublé concert. Then again, if you assigned it to a low-volume location, could it possibly last for 50 years? Oh, I forgot — there's not enough wood in there, percentage-wise, to entice the termites. Those buggers don't like that artificial filler junk in their food.

I wonder where cool tree-huggers actually sit on this issue? Please I urge you — SIT AMERICAN!!!

Do yourself a favor — go out and do business with a locally-owned company today. These people are your neighbors, friends and supporters of your community's quality of life. Let's support them!

The Aliens Are Organized — Are We?

2008-05-20T17:50:00.004-05:00

A recent candidate for office in a Western state had as part of his platform to establish a plan in case of an alien landing, encounter, meeting or invasion.

Don't laugh or scoff yet! If you don't believe in extraterrestrial alien beings, I can understand — but what does it hurt to have a plan? There is a plan if the highway is blocked by a wreck, a bridge collapses, or a bomb threat is made. There is a plan if you overflow gas at the pump, or a toilet breaks in a hotel, or they run out of nacho chips at Taco Bell. Why would we not want an Alien Exposure Plan (AEP)?

This AEP shouldn't cost much, but let's at least have one. Chucky Cheese has a lot of plans. Even stupid bank robbers have a plan — not a good one perhaps, but a plan.

What if the aliens show up and we don't even have punch and cookies? What if you came this far and all you met were self-centered jerks that didn't have a plan? Couldn't you just look up in the sky and see (especially at night) that if somebody from up there comes here, don't I need a plan?

We are in luck — ol' Governor Brad Henry is a lame-duck governor, so he's the perfect guy to get our AEP started. Who cares if Oregon or Rhode Island has an AEP — we need to be the leader. Maybe Cleveland County should be the first county to have an AEP. If they showed up in Norman, there is not enough parking at the County Courthouse. If we are lucky, the aliens would know to go to the OU football stadium and get their pictures on the jumbotron.

Should our AEP include a meet-and-greet? Where do we tow them if it's a breakdown, or does Alien AAA cover it? Where do we put them up — at a hotel, motel or in private homes? Maybe the nearest bed & breakfast. Aliens probably don't know about bed & breakfasts — this gives us a chance to sneak up on them with the "Home Sweet Home" sweetness and homemade muffins. Muffins will get to the heart of their appearance.

Let's not make our plan too complicated, to overlook the obvious about our new friends. They won't speak Lebanese or French, so we need to have some Frank Sinatra music handy — everyone likes a little Sinatra. Finally, be sure and ask them if they need to freshen up a bit. After all, they may not have gone to the bathroom since Pluto.

I challenge Cleveland County to have the first AEP in Oklahoma, even if it means trying to find these aliens a can of Fresca.

If you catch yourself downtown in your car, go by Java Dave's on 10th St., just east of Broadway. Great locally roasted coffee, wireless access, baked goods, salads, sandwiches and desserts. A snack, quick lunch, or late night cup of joe. (It's just north of Bricktown, but easy to park.)

PS: The Pope recently said it's OK to believe in aliens. Maybe he knows something we don't......

Pinky Lee...And Who Dressed Me?

2008-05-08T19:59:00.006-05:00

Recently, I was getting ready for another busy day. As I was getting dressed, I chose a pink oxford cloth button-down collar shirt, gray slacks and a bright blue/pink/yellow/green striped tie. This would be a great spring outfit!

My first stop was a home inspection. Upon arrival, the inspector said, "You must be very confident of your manhood to wear that pink shirt." Well, I never thought it was in question. Aren't we way past this pink shirt pastel preponderance of ridicule for just trying to be stylish and using the whole palette of choices? It's just a shirt!

I'm a life-long reader of GQ magazine, former clothes salesman and life-long clothes horse. Now, could you convince my daughters I know how to dress? I think not. I'll admit my recent combos of clothes sometimes push the downward limits.

My childhood friend Randy and I have spent a zillion hours over the years looking at men's clothes to find the "Greatest Bargain of the Western Hemisphere". A lot of styles and trends have come and gone over the years such as bell bottoms, leisure suits with vests, big collar or small collar shirts. Ties with flowers, stars, stripes, globs, assorted abstract figures and cars. Shirts in yellow, blue, pink, green, beige which are plain, plaid, striped, or with goofy designs have graced your upper torso.

Our mecca of conservative clothing for men is fixing to close — Harold's Men's Wear on Campus Corner in Norman. When I read this, I didn't know whether to cry or go out and gather protesters to march with big signs. Then I realized it had sold its soul to the corporate demi-gods instead of staying a small family business. The home of the rugby shirt, 429 loafers and the endless madras shirt will close the doors, no matter what anybody does.

Our world keeps going in spite of the Harold's Campus Corner closing because Oklahomans are resilient. A change to another long-standing icon of individual style in clothing, Langston's department store in Stockyards City, is that place. Now remember my new mantra — "Only Real Cowboys Wear Pink Shirts!"

A short tip: If you have guttering, please clean them out ASAP — and if you don't have gutters, get them. This will save and relieve stress on that big asset — YOUR HOME.

Say "hi" if you see me (the guy in the pink shirt)...

Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?

2008-05-02T12:08:00.010-05:00

There is only one answer for this question — your dog will. We all have puppies that are so sweet, but they grow and grow and grow, and sometimes reach enormous proportions. I've been to a lot of classes on personality types, psychological studies, buyer trends and emotional needs, and profiles of end-users — but none reveal the heart and mind of a dog owner.

Some would only dream of having a small one, some dream of only a large one, and others think a middle-sized one is "just right". Lap dogs, inside dogs, outside dogs. They all have two things in common — eating and pooping. As long as I don't have to step in it or clean it up, then I'm cool with it.

Also amazing is the longer people are together with their dog, the more they look alike. Is there a name for this phenomenon? Doglution, humasdoglooks, nosedozation, or maybe dogeneopoly — if you know, let me know!

Test scores and ratings are HUGE in education these days, so I'm proud to announce a little achievement of my own. In the recent CBS Sports NCAA March Madness Bracket Challenge, out of over 4 million contestants, I was 106,367th (looking good up there with the UPPER percentile of bad boys). Do statistics lie? I don't think so!

If you get a chance, check out the new Warren Theatres in Moore. What a class act! Food service balconies, a '50s diner inside, a fireplace seating area, 25" wide seats (comfortable to no end — pun intended), and the rich look of old downtown theatres of the 1930s, which I was privileged in the 1960s to visit in downtown OKC, before they tore them down for urban renewal. There were ten theatres in downtown OKC — some were not so elaborate, but a half-dozen were to die for.

Remember, if you try to pet a strange dog, it's your hand...

Artsy, Fartsy — Where's the Food?

2008-04-27T22:18:00.007-05:00

It seems like a zillion years since I first started attending the OKC Arts Festival in the 1970s. Its old location on the front grounds of the Civic Center Music Hall was quite the surprise back then once a year for winos and bums (before they became "homeless and indigent").

There are so many different formats of art such as paintings, sculpture, pottery, jewelry, baskets, woodworking and leather to gander at. My personal picks are all the nostalgic-type paintings with old Oklahoma City landmarks highlighted, such as the Tower Theatre, Hollie's Drive-In, churches and Broadway Street in the 1930s.

Now for the truthful part — WE ALL REALLY GO FOR THE FOOD. Sure, the artists or even members of the several great bands or soloists think it's about them, but IT'S THE FOOD! Maybe Strawberries Newport is remembered the most from the early years until now, but it's not the Lone Ranger. Bread bowls with beef burgundy, shish-kabobs, plus one that needs no introduction — Indian Tacos. Or maybe here is where you tasted your first blackened chicken sandwich or fish taco.

It's tradition, by golly — it's tradition to search for the NEW FOOD on the food tent block, and this year for me it was Pork Loin on a Stick, glazed with apple cream sauce and served with sweet potato fries (yes, it has the potential to push your cholesterol number higher than your house address). I must say it was a divine choice, if I do say so myself.

Today I was hosting an open house, where 12 guests have visited. To paraphrase Mark Twain, "The rumors of real estate's death in Oklahoma have been greatly exaggerated."

Let's buy and sell, and I hope you are well.

Technology & Turtles — "Happy Together"

2008-04-20T19:02:00.016-05:00

Hello sports fans! (I’ve always wanted to say that…) This second edition of the infamous blog will be a trip (my trip) to the National Education Technology Conference last Otober in Nashville, Tennessee. It combined two of my interests — education and rock ‘n’ roll music.

Our world of technology is on the freeway with no stop lights, speed bumps or ramps. Education and technology must be taught together to a group of young kids that have a different learning style. It’s our duty to elevate their skills for 21st Century living. We must provide online training in a safe environment utilizing online resources.

As parents, grandparents and community members, we must have a commitment to understand and utilize technology in a positive way. Upon meeting other school board members from all across our nation in big, small, rural and urban districts, I know the technology gap is large in some areas. These kids will have to compete with each other and other people in a worldwide economy. I hope we do these kids right — I pray we educate, encourage and enlighten them.

On a personal note, part of the technology we observed and toured was Recording Industry Technology. Belmont University has the “premier” school and facilities for this training. Their basketball team made the NCAA basketball tourney for the first time this year, with Vince Gill (our native Oklahoman) rooting them on to defeat (sad, but true).

After touring the new technology, we were taken to the legendary Studio B recording studio, home of over 95 Number One hits – where Elvis, Jim Reeves and Ray Charles cut their timeless songs. The old equipment and its placement within the room captured each part because they played and sang at the same time — no mixing or putting together parts later, as they do now.

Our guide looked familiar. I turned to one of my tour-mates and declared, “That’s the lead singer of The Turtles!” He replied, “No, that wouldn’t be him.” But it was indeed Mark Volman, the lead singer of The Turtles. He shared his story of going back to college to get a degree at 50. He got to speak at his graduation.

Mark Volman and Glen

Now The Turtles play a few gigs each year, but Mark is a teacher at Belmont. He shares how he signed away the rights to his songs and even the rights to his own name. He teaches the business side of the music business. (Perhaps he cautions others not to sign away their rights lightly!)

So long until next time…

Greetings!

2008-04-13T20:52:00.015-05:00

Welcome to the first installment of Whaddaya Say, Glen Ray?, my entry into the world of blogging.

I hope to impart some real estate knowledge and information on educational issues, as well as share some humor, current events and commentary. I'll also have suggestions for things to see, places to go, music to listen to and restaurants to enjoy.

We all have the problem of setting a date to go out to dinner with friends, family or business associates and having to figure out the answers to the two big questions: 1.) Where are we going? and 2.) What are you hungry for? I will attempt to solve this dilemma for you, or at least increase the multiple-choice answers.

Oklahomans like to think we are known for our barbeque — but folks, we are the Chicken Fried Steak Capital of the World! Ours is the best in the good ol' U. S. of A. Over the years in my travels, I've tried so-called "chicken fried steak" in other states. Besides Texas or maybe Arkansas, it's just not the same. These pitiful desecrations, tarnished with brown gravy or made with Hereford Heaven cubes, are being masqueraded as a sacred food of our forefathers across the nation.

So if you have the chance, take your out-of-town visitors to a place like Soda Pop's Diner at SW 119th and Western. This U.S. Grant alumni Roy Mize has got it down to an art. The chicken fried steak with cream gravy is "slap-daddy good"! Soda Pop's has other great menu items, but for goodness sake, please make them order chicken fried steak! Don't you LOVE 'em?

As for real estate, this time of year, you need to check, caulk or seal your windows. Call for that semi-annual heating and air check-up/cleaning so your system will run more efficiently in the warmer weather. If you don't have a regular H&A jockey, call John at KMP Heating and Air, and he'll get somebody out for you.

Also, this time of year is a great time to check your roof. I bet you haven't been up there in awhile, and a little prevention on your roof and fireplace stuff goes a long way.